For this revision I decided to lift a line from my song revision. I also used repetition to tell a story about my life as a swimmer.
Draft #5
Elena was a swimmer star
Swimming
freestyle
and backstroke,
mostly.
Elena was a swimmer star
As a Pisce
an Eagle
an Aqua Jet
and finally
a Bantam.
Elena was a swimmer star
competing on teams
from age 7
to 22.
Elena was a swimmer star
an athlete
a team player
a captain.
Elena is a retired swimmer star!
This exercise with revision was so helpful. It really made me think. I could probably keep going with revision like published poets probably do.
I’m not sure which of these poems I like the best though. Do you have a favorite?
I love the repetition, and I like the ending SO much better than the last one…at least you still feel like a star (just a retired one).
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Me too. Too many sad comments yesterday.
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I love the ending of this one a retired swimming star and the names of the teams.
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I like this one too. It paints a bigger picture of your life as a swimmer. More meaning!
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Exactly what I was going for.
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